[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
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Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.