Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.
In other news, I now have free internet.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
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Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I put the cute in electrocute.
Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?
Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*