@subtweetopath

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

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@Roxtalled

Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.

@HatfieldAnne

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

@MrSpoonicorn

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

@AllyBallyBeal

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

@whinecheezits

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

@FUN

Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?

@lyric_intent

[Bank Robbery]
Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*