[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
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Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
who did the taste test?
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.