[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
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Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I bet birds love this building.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?