@FrazzleMyGimp

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

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@jonnysun

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

@NewDadNotes

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

@JoParkerBear

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

@donni

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

@RdrJay47

[Food Network: Cake Wars]

As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.

Cat Judge pushes it off the table

@Babasnookie

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

@RealSugarFree

I play a drinking game where i drink everytime i get an answer right on Jeopardy. Its a good way to stay sober.

@ChrisIsJoking

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”