[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

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date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no


Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!


Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.


It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans


[Food Network: Cake Wars]

As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.

Cat Judge pushes it off the table


Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.


I play a drinking game where i drink everytime i get an answer right on Jeopardy. Its a good way to stay sober.


My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”