[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
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Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.