[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
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Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
When libraries troll their patrons.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
“our sushi is very fresh”
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”