[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
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Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
watergate? u mean a dam??
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.