Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
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This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
seems fine
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad