[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

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I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.


Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?


‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.


78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don’t notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.


I don’t need people. I have potato chips. And unlike people you can enjoy them and then legally throw their crumpled remains into a campfire


Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.


fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house


we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood


Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude


Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend’s annoying snoring doesn’t make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..