[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
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Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
who named him groot and not spruce lee