[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
You Might Also Like
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Close call…
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.