*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
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Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
What a website
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
me logging onto twitter
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion