[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
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me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone