(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
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The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell