[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
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Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”