“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
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“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done