[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
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Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Ferrari squats
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
We all have our pet causes.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
“I took care of your clown problem.”