‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
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well well well if it isn’t the consequences (no snacks) of my own actions (“i don’t need snacks” at the grocery store)
Husband: You cut your hair!
H: It looks good! I like it!
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
G: Fire’s running low.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Give a man a compliment & he’ll be all, “Yeah, I’ve been working out.” Teach a man to fish for a compliment & he’ll be all, “I feel SO fat.”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone