[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

You Might Also Like


well well well if it isn’t the consequences (no snacks) of my own actions (“i don’t need snacks” at the grocery store)


Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!

Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.


You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.


Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.


I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.


Give a man a compliment & he’ll be all, “Yeah, I’ve been working out.” Teach a man to fish for a compliment & he’ll be all, “I feel SO fat.”


Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.


[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler


FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone