@Lisabug74

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

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@elensemblador

well well well if it isn’t the consequences (no snacks) of my own actions (“i don’t need snacks” at the grocery store)

@Marlebean

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!

Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

@FlyJ_

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

@Iwriteforcats

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

@darksidesith75

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

@RorynotRoy

Give a man a compliment & he’ll be all, “Yeah, I’ve been working out.” Teach a man to fish for a compliment & he’ll be all, “I feel SO fat.”

@amydillon

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

@ArfMeasures

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

@DanMentos

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone