[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

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I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.


Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.


Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.


*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else


Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together


…: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy?
5y: mummy
…: why?
5y: mummy talks more


job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead


[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne


Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk


My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.