@Lisabug74

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

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@SlappNuttz

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

@krisv_723

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

@JoParkerBear

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

@prufrockluvsong

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

@MissNaughty1801

…: who do you listen to more? Mummy or daddy?
5y: mummy
…: why?
5y: mummy talks more

@pterotactful

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

@chuuew

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

@petemandik

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.