@ThePocketJustin
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
@JustMeTurtle
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
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@ThePocketJustin
@hippieswordfish
ROOMMATE: oh shit it’s that spider, you take care of it
ME: ugh fine *crouches by the spider* listen dude…you’re late on rent again
@MikeEpps___
Niggas Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Instagram
@web_supergirl
Alcohol is claiming me as a dependent on his taxes this year.
@KateWhineHall
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
@RJCity1
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
@TweetPotato314
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
@lynxstorm27
134.
@cynicanoldicus
On the off chance I’m captured by cannibals, I’ve got a ‘Best if eaten by 1975’ tattoo on my neck.
@LittleMissLizz
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.