[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
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Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Today’s Times
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad