[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
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When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%