[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
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I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO