[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
You Might Also Like
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”