*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
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sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Breaking news:
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not