*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
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I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE