[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
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I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.