It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
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My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor