[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

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me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home


Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present


*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados


Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.


*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.


There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.


Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it


*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now


son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]