[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
You Might Also Like
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.