[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

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Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you


First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*


I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle


[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.


Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing


dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun


“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.


Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location


I accidentally just laughed at something my 4-year-old did so now I have to pretend to laugh as she does it forty thousand more times.