[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
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Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready