[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
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If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
giddy up Office Depot
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’