[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
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I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there