[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
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I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
ready to be harvested
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
hi why am I like this
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?