[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
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I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Pretty much. 🤣
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.