@david8hughes

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

You Might Also Like

@Kalarlis

my bf is wonderful but he will never be as soft as my roommate’s dog who moved out of the house WHY GREG WHY CAN’T YOU BE AS SOFT AS THE DOG

@bobvulfov

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

@LoveNLunchmeat

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

@JohnLyonTweets

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

@themiltron

interviewer: why do you want this job
me: i’ve just always been very passionate about not starving to death

@o__0Dev

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

@3_livi

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

@IRLPepperMD

[luigi places a hand on mario’s shoulder after falling off rainbow road for the millionth time]
We’re plumbers dude

@SouthrnPinUpMom

I wonder which woman said….. “yep I’m gonna put it in my mouth and see what happens.”