[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
You Might Also Like
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely