[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
You Might Also Like
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqu茅
Wife: You mean risqu茅?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I鈥檓 pretty sure I鈥檓 right
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Therapist: would you say you鈥檙e making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn鈥檛 realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I鈥檓 Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we鈥檙e not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she鈥檇 love to know too.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
The news
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 馃榾
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday