Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Me: Its all there.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
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Watch Forrest Gump
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
*pokes sex life with a stick
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Give your hair sexy volume by showering with a toaster.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun
How’s your summer going?
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant