@3sunzzz

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

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@WheelTod

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

@TheToddWilliams

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

@sammyrhodes

Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.

@eff_yeah_steph

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

@SeiYoung83

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

@TheBoydP

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

@slimmy_shady

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

@ka_waltz

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost