[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
You Might Also Like
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
dogs can find happiness so easily
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
*jingles half the way*
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
He’s dead
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.