@AmericanGent69

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

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@schumoo

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

@StephenKing

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

@redrose0117

Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.

@fanofhell

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

@TheCatWhisprer

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

@EmmBalls

Venmo me $20 and I will comment “yikes” on an enemy’s Instagram picture of your choosing

@Tacet_no_more

When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is

@Marlebean

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

@TweetsByKaylee

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here