{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

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Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.


Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.


Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.


[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before


Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.


Venmo me $20 and I will comment “yikes” on an enemy’s Instagram picture of your choosing


When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is


Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter


[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here


monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here