{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

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1984: is my house bugged??

Today: Alexa, is my house bugged?


I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”


[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this


I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.


Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger


If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.


sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.


manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)


Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.


When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box