@AmericanGent69

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

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@dugglebutt

1984: is my house bugged??

Today: Alexa, is my house bugged?

@paulbarbar_II

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

@PhilJamesson

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

@XplodingUnicorn

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

@rebrafsim

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

@elle91

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

@tigersgoroooar

sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.

@gabbazaba

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

@ceejoyner

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

@Juicedballs

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box