[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
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ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Animal poetry
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
fair
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.