@TheAlexNevil

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

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@adler_chris

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

@TheSharona06

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

@crunkdumpster

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

@BunAndLeggings

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

@Tmoney68

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

@feverboner

The worst thing about living in a haunted house is knowing damn well there was still some gin left before I blacked out and then waking up to see the ghosts finished all my gin.

@Kristen_Arnett

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

@3sunzzz

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

@KrissiBex

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

@Gupton68

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you