*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
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I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.