*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

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Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.


I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.


“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”


Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.


George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.


The worst thing about living in a haunted house is knowing damn well there was still some gin left before I blacked out and then waking up to see the ghosts finished all my gin.


the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken


Me: *brings home new puppy*



Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone


[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you