[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
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Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to shit.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”