@TheAlexNevil

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

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@Owl_Meat

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

@TheCatWhisprer

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

@LuvPug

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

@3sunzzz

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

@envydatropic

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

@Mom_Overboard

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

@That1chk

Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to shit.

@KeetPotato

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”