When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
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Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I saw a spider in my bedroom so I did what any man would do… I got in an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.
The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
me: i’m 6’4″
me: wait for what