@prufrockluvsong

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

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@SadieSkyNinja

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

@LuvPug

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

@MomOnFire

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

@DrakeGatsby

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

@benorlin

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

@FredTaming

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

@Mr_Kapowski

Coworker: I couldn’t sleep. Just thinking all night

Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

@abbycohenwl

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

@YoungNobler

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016