[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

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When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.


Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.


I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.


Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”


Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.


I saw a spider in my bedroom so I did what any man would do… I got in an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.


The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?


Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat


nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

nurse: weight











me: wait for what