[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
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What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Life with a cat in one tweet
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”