Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
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I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
doctor: i have your blood test here
doctor: you failed
Coworker: I couldn’t sleep. Just thinking all night
Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016