@NewDadNotes

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

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@MomOnFire

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

@DanMentos

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

@LimeyTheGreat

My youngest son can now reach the light switches, so don’t come over to my house, unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

@MumInBits

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

@IndigoCheese

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

@Fact

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

@BlakWidowBarbee

Yoga is really kicking in. I’m seeing the definition in my arms and overall flexibility. My vibrator is gonna be really impressed.