[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
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[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.