[first day in the mafia]
ME: *bursts in out of breath* STOP!
BOSS: what
ME: i just found out that this is *whispers* illegal

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She: I think our sex would be off the charts..

Me: You have sex charts?


wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!


I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…


Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.


Guys, leave 3 notes scattered around ur house for ur girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, & “me.” That’ll keep her busy while u watch sports.


When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station


CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99


[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*