Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
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I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
groan^2
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here