[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
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I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
“TGIM!” – My liver
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”