[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
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Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Bring back the McRib
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.