[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so