[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
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ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.