[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
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Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I don’t make the rules sorry
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”