Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
– First day of College
– Dorm meeting
Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
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If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
“Your résume says you spent 4 years in England. What were you doing?”
*flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts*
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations.
“Our son is covered in pentagrams!”
Well maybe he’s just allergic to dairy.