@OakHill_

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

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@sumpeoplelikeit

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

@frankiemuniz

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

@gerryhallcomedy

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

@LoveNLunchmeat

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

@deathoftheparty

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

@Adyaces

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

@redpawn3

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.

@87bidi

“Your résume says you spent 4 years in England. What were you doing?”
*flashback to me trying to find the actual Hogwarts*
“Grad school.”

@Book_Krazy

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

@robfee

Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations.
“Our son is covered in pentagrams!”
Well maybe he’s just allergic to dairy.