@Holy_Mowgli

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

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@traciebreaux

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

@JohnHilsen

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

@iwearaonesie

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

@kwirkyKerri

I’ll agree to almost anything if you set a cupcake in front of me. I won’t be listening. Because…cupcake.

@nonchalantnacho

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

@HausOfAustin

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

@shawnspree

Banned an 80 year old man for life from attending NBA games. What’s that? Like maybe 10 years?

@sarahedwig

When I am eating cookies with milk I like to submerge the cookie entirely and pretend I am trying to get him to rat on someone