[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
You Might Also Like
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.