[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

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Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up


Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.


wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?


I’ll agree to almost anything if you set a cupcake in front of me. I won’t be listening. Because…cupcake.


Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.


Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.


Banned an 80 year old man for life from attending NBA games. What’s that? Like maybe 10 years?


When I am eating cookies with milk I like to submerge the cookie entirely and pretend I am trying to get him to rat on someone